Scapegoat
by Alexandria3
Summary: As a spy, Snape went through a lot more to keep the information coming than everyone thought.


Prologue.

Snape was pushed to the ground by one of the Death Eaters. He barely hit the ground when a blow to his face cracked his jaw and made his nose bleed. He tried to scream, but that required moving his jaw so all that came out was a pained gurgle.

"Quiet! What did I tell you?" one of them screamed at him.

Severus turned his head to the side and closed his eyes, as if he could shut out the pain. The wet mud was cool against his rapidly swelling face, he relished in the temporary relief in the beating. A kick to his ribs made him curl up, but they forced him to lie flat. One of them lifted his hips and Snape tried to scream again.

Suddenly, he really did scream. His flesh was being torn apart from the inside, cutting him in half. Yet he was still together when that was over, so quickly. The next came in quick succession, they seemed to enjoy the sound of his screams. All of them had their turn, it was remarkable Severus was still conscious enough to feel every bit of it. He wanted so badly to fade into that darkness, but the pain was far too much and his stubborn nature fought it. Snape would live through this, damn it, if it was the last thing he did!

The war was over. Harry Potter had killed Voldemort. _It_ was over. Ex-professor Severus Snape hid from the world once he was sure they would never find him again. They were all dead. And the world didn't need him anymore, in fact, they hated him. But he was alright with that, because that guaranteed the fact that he would always be alone. Never to be bothered by anyone.

He knew he wasn't exactly mentally healthy, so Snape often told himself it was better for the whole of the Wizarding World that he stayed in his home. The one house elf he owned tended to his needs adequately enough. There was no need to venture out for help, as if anyone was willing to give it since they all hated him. Better to wither away here, alone and _safe._

Putting on a pot of tea was easier at the moment than it normally was. Snape prided in his steady hands as they poured the hot water neatly into the teapot. Sprinkling the mint leaves into the pot, he decided that this was longest period of time that he felt sufficiently stable to make such a simple thing as tea on his own. For a moment, Severus fancied himself getting better and his lips curled into a bitter smile. Perhaps one day he would be able to get back to his potions and try that cure for lycanthropy that he had been working on during his spouts of order such as this one.

He took the tray of tea and biscuits to his small living room in front a roaring fireplace. Snape poured the tea into his favorite mug and curled up on one of the larger chairs. His cold hands clutched the warmth of the mug and Severus took a deep breath. Feeling as fragile as glass tittering precariously on the edge of a table, Snape held himself still, absorbing the warmth around him and staring deeply into the fire. He did not think of anything but kept his mind perfectly blank, so as not to trigger another episode. Of which he would most likely not wake from for another few days. The longer the spell, the longer he found himself lying tangled in his bed sheets and soaking them through with sweat.

The fire was the only thing that could sooth him at these times. The hot mug of tea in his hands the only thing that could warm him. Flames leapt and danced in Snape's eyes as he thought of nothing more except fire, its composition, its properties, and the chemical reaction taking place in order to create it. Without warning, the memory of watching a muggle house burn while the occupants were still inside, flashed through his mind.

Severus lurched forward, spilling the hot tea both on himself and the floor. The shaking was already uncontrollable and he curled into a tight ball.

"Tansy!" he screamed with his last shred of sanity before he had no choice but to succumb to the memories.

The House Elf popped into existence beside him and immediately levitated the broken wizard back to the bedroom. Snape continued to shake even as he lay there, screaming for _them_ to go away and why wouldn't the blood come off his hands? Sex, sex and blood, so much blood. Burning insides, the smell of drying semen and sweat. Yelling, slapping a fist in his face. A boot to his ribs, someone hitting the back of his head hard.

Tansy ignored the pleas to no one and cleaned the tea and repaired the shattered mug for the fiftieth time. She wondered vaguely when her Master would seek help, but knew it was probably never going to happen. It seemed she was the only one in the position to help him and she did all she could.

"Oh, leave your pity at the door, Headmistress! What do you need me for?" Draco Malfoy hissed, sweeping a stack of papers off his Ministry desk and carrying them under his arm. McGonagall had no choice but to follow Malfoy out of his office down the various halls of the Ministry.

"Do you know where Professor Snape is? The contact he left me turned out to be counterfeit and I _need_ him back to work!"

Draco stopped suddenly and glared darkly at her. He was older now and with his shoulder length hair, he looked just as menacing as his late father.

"Is that all you want him for? Because I can tell you right now, even if I knew where he was, he sure as hell wouldn't come _just because you want him to work again."_

Minerva caught herself looking at the floor in shame and stared into Malfoy's eyes instead.

"Of course, that is not the only reason! He was my friend too and I haven't seen him since his Order of Merlin ceremony. Needless to say, I am worried. It's been a year, Malfoy. Where is he?"

Draco raised an eyebrow and looked the Headmistress over. "I don't know. Perhaps you aught to try Spinners End."

"I've already went there! Please, tell me the truth."

He breathed heavily through his nose and his glare intensified. "No."

The Head of the Ministry of Magic bid the Headmistress of Hogwarts goodbye and stepped into the elevator. He continued to glare at her while the doors closed. How dare she claim she cared for Severus when all she wanted was a good potions master!

But her mention of his ex-professor nudged at the edge of his thoughts. Draco hadn't thought about the man much in all this time. Had it really been a year? That meant that Severus was probably still...

Malfoy cursed and a couple of his employees gave him a look. The Minister barely refrained from rolling his eyes and moved to the floo network.

The house that Malfoy had unknowingly donated to Snape's isolation was hidden well, tucked into the corner of The Black Forest in Germany. And when the blond stepped out of the floo, he was met with terrifying screams of agony. He made to dash up the stairs, but a House Elf stopped him.

"Out of my way, you filthy creature!" Draco yelled, trying to pass her again.

"No, sir! Master is ill and will see no one!"

"What?" Draco stopped and looked at her. "Is he still...?"

"Yes, sir. You mustn't try to see Master now."

"Oh..." Draco collapsed into a chair and buried his head in his hands. "So he never got better? His letters... All lies?"

"Most likely, sir. Master has much extended time between these episodes and they have been getting longer. If that is any consolation, sir."

"But does it always comes back? He returns to that... That shaking, screaming, wreck?"

"Yes, sir."

"Is there no way to help him?"

"Master does not want help, sir."

"But surely there is something... I can't believe I let Snape do this to himself."

"Master needs someone to take care of him, sir."

Draco took his head out of his hands and glared at the House Elf. "Like who?"

"Someone with knowledge, sir. A-A Healer perhaps?"

"Won't that make it worse? To bring a stranger into the mix?"

"Then do not bring a stranger, sir."

"Hm..." Draco pursed his lips and sat back, deep in thought. Did he know of a Healer that wasn't a stranger to Snape? Yes, Potter! Of course! Convincing Potter of the job would be easy. Only, he'd have to give up everything to take care of Snape and nurse him back to normal. Would Potter fall for that? Draco didn't know, but he had to find out. He wasn't going to let Snape go on this way.

The Minister suddenly stood and stepped into the floo. "I'll be back, and I'll do my best to bring someone with me."

Chapter One. _"I'm weaker now, my friend. I belong to them." -Truth by Seether._

"Potter, please! I'm asking you a favor!" Draco had to run to catch up to the Gryffindor.

Harry suddenly stopped and spun around. "No, Malfoy. I won't fall for that nonsense again. Last time you had me heal a common cold, I'm not going to throw away my job this time purely on what you say."

"Then come see him! It's the least you could do." Draco pointed out.

Potter sighed heavily and pursed his lips. "Fine. Give me the floo address and I'll go at the end of my shift."

The Minister breathed a huge sigh of relief. "Thank you, Potter. I owe you one."

"You haven't convinced me yet, Malfoy. Watch what you say."

Later that evening, Harry Potter finally decided to go find out if Malfoy's story was true. He gathered a small medical kit and headed to the floo.

Arriving with the usual lack of grace, Harry stumbled into the house to the sound of silence. The Gryffindor paused, listening. He could hear heavy breathing, but he couldn't locate the source in the empty room.

"Hello?" he called out.

"Sir! Please be quiet!" a House Elf shushed him, appearing at his side.

Harry obligingly dropped his voice to a whisper. "Is the Professor here?"

The House Elf looked at him, aghast. "Sir mustn't call Master that!"

"Okay, I won't. Is what Malfoy said true? Snape has had a psychotic breakdown since the war ended?"

"Yes, Harry Potter, sir."

"Alright," Harry said, making his decision quickly. He loosened his tie, shrugged off his outer robe and rolled up his sleeves. "How is he right now? Would it be possible to talk to him?"

"No, Master has finally fallen asleep and has much need of rest. Tomorrow it is more likely he will be himself again."

"I see. Is there a room I can stay in? What's your name, by the way?"

"Tansy, sir. There is a room at the bottom of the stairs there." she pointed to a door.

"Thanks, Tansy. Could you run through his symptoms with me, please? I need to know everything that's happened in the past year."

"Of course, Harry Potter Sir." Tansy replied. "Sw-"

A sudden scream erupted from upstairs and both of them rushed towards it. Tansy popped away while Harry quickly picked up a calming potion and ran up the stairs. The scene in the bedroom left Harry stunned for a moment. Tansy was desperately trying to hold Snape down and calm him. Then his wild black eyes met with Harry's.

"WHAT IS HE DOING HERE?"

"Harry Potter is here to heal Master. Please! Calm down!"

"I WILL NOT! NOT WITH THAT BRAT IN MY HOUSE!" Snape continued to scream. He was starting to shake, his entire body collapsing onto itself. "Get him away, Tansy. Get him away... Away."

"No, Tansy will not! Master needs help and Harry Potter will help Master!" remarkably, the House Elf defied Snape's order and lifted the tangled sheets up to the man's chin. The shaking was obviously tiring him and his speech became no more than a whisper.

"Fine," Snape breathed, his eyes closing, "but don't let him..."

He fell asleep.

"A nightmare?" Harry asked Tansy.

"No, they are memories, sir. They always exhaust Master, Harry Potter's arrival did not help."

"I know and I'm sorry, but it had to happen. Memories, you said? So what Malfoy said about the Death Eaters was true?"

"And more, Harry Potter Sir."

Harry sighed heavily as he put the kettle on the old stove and lit up the burner with his wand. Snape had been in and out of his comatose-like state for almost two weeks. Enough for Harry to settle in and make the final decision to stay until Severus was normal again. _If he was ever normal, _Harry thought sadly. What the Death Eaters had done must have begun almost as soon as Snape joined them. In the ex-Professor's many rants, Harry had heard the whole story and the details filled in by Tansy.

It seemed that Dumbledore would not believe Snape a true spy because he doubted the unspoken reasons behind his turn. Not until Lily died, did the Slytherin have a reason he could tell the Headmaster. Even then, Dumbledore took advantage of Snape, using the poor man's guilt against him. Torturing Severus in a way not unlike the Death Eaters, only without the physical abuse.

Pouring the boiling water into the teapot, Harry sighed again. He didn't know if the drugs he was giving Snape did any good, only that they calmed him and lessened the flashbacks. Which he assumed was some kind of progress, but Snape still went back into that deteriorated state.

Snape, of course, still breathed fire every time he became aware that it was Harry Potter helping him instead of his House Elf. Harry had begun to take it in stride, letting the insults slide off him. It would only make it worse if he responded the way Snape wanted him to.

"Potter!" a deep voice came from beside him. Harry whipped around in surprise to find Snape not only standing steadily, but dressed as well.

"Sir!" Harry exclaimed, rushing over to the man to check his pulse, if his fever was still... But he appeared to be quite fine and shook Harry off violently.

"Get away from me, Potter! I didn't ask you! Why are you even here?" Snape demanded. The Slytherin put a hand on the kitchen counter and leaned against it, probably hoping that Harry wouldn't notice. Though he did, he was a Healer after all, Harry didn't point it out.

"Because Malfoy asked me to help you." Harry replied defiantly. "And frankly, I think I'm the only one who can."

"Thinking of yourself far too highly again! Just like your father! Get out of my house, Potter. You and your self-rightous obligations! I refuse to be a product of-"

"Sir! Please!" Harry interjected, catching the man's arm before he fell and holding him. "I am not ignorant of what has been going on here, Snape. To be honest, I've begun to see things in a different light. I'm not going to leave until I am sure you'll have no more breakdowns."

"Honesty?" Snape said quietly, weakly trying to dislodge the Gryffindor's strong arms.

"Yes, sir. I'm not going anywhere until you're better. Maybe even get back to your potions."

"D-do you think it possible?"

"Of course. Now come, have some tea with me." Harry said and deftly carried the Slytherin to one of the chairs in front of the fire.

"Don't... Not... Dignified." Severus said in a voice barely above a whisper as he was put down.

"Nonsense, sir. Here, drink your tea. If nothing else, it will at least warm you." Harry stated, gently pulling Snape's unsteady hands from his lap and carefully placing the mug in them.

The Slytherin said nothing in response, only staring into the dark amber tea. Harry sat back in another chair, watching his ward warily.

"Potter, you don't," Snape's voice was suddenly strong before it dropped again, "have to... stay... care of an... invalid."

Harry put down his cup and knelled in front of his ex-Profesor. He wrapped his own hands around the cold ones and looked up into the man's face.

"How many times do I have to tell you, sir? I'm staying here until you're better."

Snape was already shaking his head and trying to push Harry away. "I-impossible... can't heal... damned... don't deserve this... pity and... humiliation."

"No, please, sir!" Harry refrained from raising his voice too loud, "you deserve to be cared for just as much anyone else. I'm not here because of pity or to humiliate you. The opposite, in fact. I want to help you, Severus Snape and you're damn well going to let me."

Severus shook his head again, but instead of trying to push Harry away he clutched at the hands in his. "Not going to work... not worth it."

"Bullshit," Harry whispered with a wry smile. Snape stared at him with wide eyes before glaring at him.

"Language, Potter." Snape scolded. His voice wasn't as strong as it was a year ago, but the dripping ire was there. The Gryffindor had the audacity to grin and squeeze Snape's cold hands.

Chapter Two. _"Can I trust you'll go away if I'm to say I'm okay?" 'Different Day' by State of Shock._

"I'M FINE, POTTER! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!" Severus shouted at the Healer sitting at the edge of his bed.

Harry put a hand on Snape's chest and pushed slightly. "Don't over-exirt yourself, the potions I've been giving you require rest, not shouting and running about."

"Oh, yes, of course! I should have known! What exactly are you giving me, again?"

"You know exactly what I'm giving you. Now, sleep or I'll make you." Harry stated, putting down the empty vial and standing.

Snape only scowled at him and turned away, pulling up sheets.

Severus was making tea with the skill and swiftness he hadn't had in a long time. Harry was watching him with a glint in his eyes and small smile playing on his lips.

"You know," the Gryffindor started, "I think you're ready to continue your potions. Not for too long though, I don't want you to exhaust yourself. I'll give you three hours a day, but no more until I say so."

Potter had never seen a man pour a mug of tea so fast without spilling. Snape was out of the kitchen and into the lower basement of the house before Harry could say 'Quidditch'.

Giving back the man his potions seemed to genuinely improve Snape's mood. At first, Snape barely lasted through two hours before he stumbled back up the stairs into Harry's arms. But as days turned into weeks, Harry was able to let him stay down there for almost the whole day.

Unfortunately, Harry knew that the only way for Snape to really get over his condition was to come to terms with the past. But the Gryffindor knew better than anyone that Snape would never open up to anyone. The only person who would have been a remote possibility was dead.

Resigned, Harry realized that he could improve Severus no further. Unless the man faced what happened to him openly, potions could only do so much.

"Sir, I've come to the decision that you no longer have need of me. Continue taking the potion I showed you and everything should be fine. If not, contact Malfoy." Harry announced, bags already packed and standing in front of the floo.

Surprise and hurt flashed across Snape's face before he could punch it down into his usual blank look.

"Is that so?" he intended it to be strong, but as was usual lately, his voice betrayed him. A desperate whisper escaped his lips instead.

Harry sighed and put down his one bag. He took Severus by the shoulders and gently guided him into a chair.

"There's nothing more I can do for you. Besides, you've been screaming at me to leave ever since I got here. I would think you'd be glad to finally watch me leave."

Snape didn't have anything to say to that, after all it was only true. He ducked his head instead, not wanting Potter to leave but unwilling to meet his gaze.

"Your House Elf will help you, you don't need me anymore. I'll come back to check on you."

Chapter Three. _"I'll do my crying in the rain, and I'll panic alone in the dark."_

Of course, as soon as Potter left Severus stopped taking the potions and refused to venture downstairs. The nightmares and flashbacks insisted on keeping Snape in his bed, sweaty and terrified. He wept often, but only under the cover of night, he screamed only when he could not be heard.

Finally, about two weeks later, the memories stopped their assault. Snape fell out bed and crawled to the bathroom, groaning as he felt tears sting his eyes. The old fashioned razor blade was perfectly sharp, as it always was.

It wasn't like he had a reason to live. Everyone he'd ever cared about died at his own hand. Severus should have been locked up with the other Death Eaters and hung for his crimes. The Potter boy... Why did he have to help? Couldn't the Golden Gryffindor see how broken Severus was? How guilty he was?

He didn't deserve to live. Not after what he had let them do to him. Or how he had let Dumbledore manipulate him. Snape had tried so hard to convince the Headmaster, but the old fool was too damn proud. He didn't care what they did to his spy, as long as the information was passed on.

Not until Lily died did Snape have a reason Dumbledore could tell the world. Only then did Severus find any reprieve, and solely because the Dark Lord was too weak to call his Death Eaters.

Severus' hand shook but he managed to steady it long enough to draw a long line from his wrist half way to his elbow. He dropped the blade switching hands and picked up again, quickly making another cut on his other arm.

Blood poured out of him and Snape sighed in relief. It felt like all the guilt and pain was flowing out of his very soul. Finally, he could permanently leave this world and never come back to pain, humiliation and having to face Dumbledore's heartless eyes again.

"Severus! Good Lord, what have you done?"

Funny. Potter's voice in his head in his last, dying moments. How ironic, would the boy save him again? Would Snape be forced to go on living? Severus would have snorted at the thought, but his body wasn't answering his commands.

"Severus, damn you! I'm dragging you out of this hell hole once you're better. Go back to Hogwarts and teach or something, but you're not staying here!"

Harry wiped his forehead and groaned, slumping in the chair he had set up next to Snape's bed. Damn, but he wasn't supposed to fall for his patient!

"Damn you, Severus..." he hissed, staring at the pale face framed by black hair. "I never knew you, I never gave you chance... And you've been so broken all this time. Why didn't anyone see it? Surely McGonagall at least, she's the only one that ever really talks to you.

"Merlin, Severus... I want to help you so badly, I want to show you how love could be. But you won't let me in, you hate me. I never knew you, and I can't pretend to know you now. Not if you don't tell me. Don't you want to let this go? Aren't you frustrated? You must be, you tried to kill yourself.

"No, I think that was you giving up. I can show you reasons to live, Severus. If you just let me... I love you too much."

The Healer suddenly stood and left the room to the loo. He caught his reflection in the mirror and his scowl deepened. His hair looked like a mop and the constant frown he wore since the war always made him look old and worn out.

"You stole my heart, Severus Snape." Harry whispered, then bit his lip and quickly turned away from the mirror when tears stung his eyes.

He knew without a doubt, that the Slytherin was going to trample on it, rip it to pieces and leave it beating on the floor. The Healer slid down the wall with his head in hands and wept softly.

A week later, Severus Snape opened his eyes. The world swirled and then focused on the ceiling of his bedroom. What was going on? Why was he here?

"Severus? Can you hear me?" Potter's hesitant voice came from his side and he turned to look. Right, Potter. Damn the creature!

"Of course I-"

"Oh, thank Merlin!" Potter interrupted and swept the reluctant man into a hug. "I thought you weren't going to make it, you wouldn't wake up no matter what I gave you..." Harry withdrew to look into those dark eyes, "I'm glad you came back, Severus."

"I certainly didn't by choice!" Snape hissed, tearing away from Harry. "Why did you have to come back? Why didn't you stay wherever it is you came from?"

"B-because I..." Harry suddenly stood and turned away to gain control of his voice. "I promised to check on you, didn't I? And it looks like I was right to."

"You could have let me be."

"I'm a Healer, Severus. I can't not save lives, hero complex, remember?"

"I do. Couldn't you have turned it off for a day?"

"No. And frankly, I'm not sorry. Believe it or not, I care about you and I don't want you to die."

Severus whipped around to look at him, sitting up on the bed. "You care about me?" he sneered. He couldn't believe it, Potter _cared?_

Harry looked into Snape's eyes and nodded. "Yes. And so do other people, and I'm going to prove it to you."

Chapter Four. _Chasing Away the Pain._

"POTTER! DAMN YOU!"

"Yes, yes, you hate me for saving your life, I know. Now quit screaming at me for a moment and take this." Harry said, handing Snape a small potion bottle.

Severus pushed it away with a dark scowl. "I will do no such thing! Pack your bags, Potter! I won't have you-"

"Disturbing your precious peace any longer. You know, you were far more creative at school. Maybe you should go back."

"Not in your wildest dreams."

"I didn't say teach, just to be there. See Minerva again and the other professors. I'm sure they've missed you."

"I highly doubt that."

"Whatever. Drink, or I'll use my Muggle needles and inject it in your arse again."

Snape seized the bottle from Harry's hand with a glower and drank it.

"We're leaving tomorrow, by the way. I think you can handle other people now, if not I can always take you back here. Or would you like it better if I brought people here, one by one?"

"I don't want to see anyone! Including you, Potter!"

"You try too hard, you really do." Harry said with faint amusement. "Now sleep, I'll wake you up in the morning."

Harry silently prayed that his plan was going to work as he made his way down the stairs.

"Severus, breathe." Harry commanded. They were only standing in front of the floo and Snape seemed to realize exactly where he was going.

"I can't go there, not now. I'll-I'll... _He_ is there!"

Harry winced, he'd forgotten that one. "No, he's not. He is very dead, remember? Here, take my arm and we'll go together."

The Slytherin stared at Harry and seemed to believe the Healer for the moment. He took Harry's arm and they went through the floo together.

"What in- Severus! Merlin! I thought I'd never see you again!" Minerva McGonagall exclaimed when they stepped through.

Harry ignored her for the moment, watching Severus as he spelled the dust off them both. Snape moved closer to Harry, very slightly hiding behind him. He wasn't quite sure why, but his instincts told him that Harry was the only safe person in the room. At least Potter was predictable and Snape trusted the Healer's care. _Trust._ It sounded foreign even in his own mind.

"Hello, Minerva." he greeted her timidly. Snape was unable to wrap his mind around the presence of his old friend. She'd helped him through a lot, he remembered that. Minerva had picked up the pieces and sewed them back together. But he hadn't seen her since the war had ended. Everything could have changed. Except Potter. He was alright, still the noble Gryffindor he remembered from school.

"Oh, come now, Severus! Where have you been?" the Headmistress advanced, her arms open for a hug. The sudden movement frightened Severus and he shrank further behind Harry. Was she trying to smother him again? Was she planning on taking him away?

Harry interjected, noticing Snape's retreat.

"Please, Headmistress. Won't you show us to our rooms?"

"Oh, why yes, of course!" she hid her disappointment well and turned to open the door. "Right this way gentlemen."

As they walked, Harry leaned to whisper to Snape, "would you like to meet anyone else today?"

Severus shook his head. One dubious, potentially dangerous person was enough.

"Alright. Why don't we have tea with McGonagall? She seems very happy to see you again."

He didn't really believe the Gryffindor, but maybe more time with Minerva and he could estimate her next move.

"Perhaps," he whispered back, "but don't leave me alone with her."

"I wouldn't dream of it."

Arriving at their destination, Harry immediately invited the Transfiguration Professor to tea. Unfortunately, it consisted mostly of Severus silently slipping his tea and the other two holding the conversation.

"Professor," McGonagall addressed Snape and Harry winced, waiting for some kind of crash. "I was wondering if you would be interested in becoming the potions master at Hogwarts again?"

Severus seemed to hesitate, putting his cup down on the table first. "I... I don't think it wise quite yet, Minerva."

"Why?" she asked innocently, "does it have something to do with why you've been hiding away for over a year?"

Severus looked at Potter with a light glare, but remained silent. Harry guessed Snape wanted him to explain, but there was no way he'd let the Slytherin get away with it.

The Headmistress looked at Harry, then Snape and back again. "Severus, why did Harry come with you? Is he helping you for some ailment? Is it serious?"

Snape stubbornly remained silent and Harry rolled his eyes. "Yes, Minerva. I brought him here in hopes that he would talk about it. You two were friends, were you not?"

Minerva's eyes lit with sudden understanding and she nodded. Without a word, she sat next to Severus and gently took his hands in hers.

"Severus," she whispered and he turned to look at her, "tell me you didn't try again..."

The Slytherin looked away too quickly towards the floor, but didn't speak. McGonagall inhaled sharply and pushed up his sleeves. The long reddish scar seemed to glow against Snape's ever pale skin.

"Oh, Severus!" she sobbed and gathered up the man in a long hug.

Harry watched carefully, hoping that Snape wouldn't panic because of the unfamiliar touch. He seemed very stiff, not returning the embrace and his eyes were fixed at a point on the wall.

"Potter." Snape said in a strained voice.

He was up immediately, gently pulling McGonagall away and putting her back in the chair.

"Please keep touch to a minimum, Professor."

Then he turned to the rigid Slytherin, still staring blankly into nowhere. He was breathing normally, so Harry sat down beside him and waited. It didn't take long for Severus to come back down to earth. He turned to gaze at Harry beside him, his expression still showing nothing.

"Hello," Harry greeted, "welcome back. Where did you go this time?"

Snape looked away from Potter and cocked his head, as if in thought.

"The day before your parents died. Lily had left you in my incapable hands while she spoke with Dumbledore." Severus paused, a brief frown crossing his features. "You were a very curious thing, Potter."

The Gryffindor laughed softly and touched Snape's shoulder. "Very good, Severus. You need to keep those ones."

"Do I?" Severus' customary scowl was back and he turned to Minerva. "I am sorry, Minerva. I am not... Used to such a sudden embrace."

"Oh. Well, alright then. I'm just so worried about you, won't you tell me what's wrong?"

Severus shook his head and stood. "Our teatime is over." he said, then took his leave.

"I'm sorry, Headmistress. But this is going to happen a lot while we are here. We'll try again tomorrow." Harry apologized again and went after Snape.

He found the Slytherin sitting on his bed, gripping the edge with white knuckles. Harry leaned against the door frame, crossed his arms and sighed.

"She cares, Severus. She just wants to help." Harry said softly.

"I know."

"Then what happened?"

"I-I..." Snape shifted and leaned forward, his hold on the bed frame tightening. "I tried before... in your fifth year. Minerva caught me and she seems to feel the need to protect me since then."

"The broken prophecy cost you?"

Severus nodded, but his lips tightened as if he was holding something back. Potter didn't press him, only coming to sit beside him.

"Well, you've had enough excitement for today. You better rest and take your potions." Harry patted his knee in comforting gesture and stood to take his leave.

Severus woke to a softly lit room, his own at Hogwarts. He turned to look out the window, where the sun was just barely coming over the horizon. For a moment, he appreciated its beauty, but then his thoughts turned inward.

It was the first time in years since he'd woken on his own, not by nightmare or memory. The incident made him think about what possibly could have lead up to it. The first thing that came up in his mind was Potter. Severus knew the young man's help was working and ever so slowly, he was coming out of the shell he had made for himself. But at the same time, he didn't want the boy's help at all. He wanted it all to be over, so he didn't have to feel anymore.

But feel he did. And there were moments where Severus thought it was almost all worth it. For instance, yesterday with McGonagall he had remembered when he held baby Harry in his arms. The child had squirmed and stared at him with big green eyes, as if it saw something in Snape he didn't see in himself. He'd fallen in love with Harry instantly in that moment, vowing to protect the boy no matter what. But it didn't turn out that way... Lily and James had died because Severus hadn't been careful enough.

The door to his bedroom opened quietly, echoing softly in the small room. Severus looked to see Potter, already dressed, come in and close the door behind him.

"Oh, you're awake." Harry stated, meeting Snape's glower. Concern creased the Healer's forehead as he came closer and sat on the edge of Severus' bed. A hand came to touch his cheek and Severus suddenly realized he'd been crying.

"Why are you crying, Severus?"

"Do you always barge into my room unannounced?"

A small smile tugged at the edge of Harry's lips at Snape's not-so-skillful evasion. "Of course," he said with a nod, "I have to make sure you're actually sleeping and not in the throes of another nightmare."

"Of course." Severus repeated, turning his gaze back to the rising sun. "As you can see, I'm quite fine. There is no need for your continuing presence."

Harry only chuckled and stood. "Best you get ready for breakfast, I've got a lot planned for you today."

Breakfast consisted of american pancakes with fresh field berries piled on top of them. Potter ate more than his fair share, whereas Severus only managed one. He feared Potter's plans, he wanted nothing more than to run back home and curl up in his chair with a good book. But a part of him trusted the Gryffindor enough to believe that Harry had only his best interests in mind.

"Come, Severus. I thought you'd like to take a look at your private lab and perhaps even your classroom."

The Slytherin couldn't help the twitch that pulled his lips into a small smile. His potions had been his only escape, the only thing he could truly rely on in his life.

There was no one in the halls, which Snape was thankful for. He didn't think he could handle a student seeing him in this state of hardly any control. Potter made it better, but only by so much.

The Healer opened the door to his office, giving the potions master a guilty smile.

"Sorry, but it's better I know these sort of things."

Snape only scowled in resignation, then walked to the door of his private lab. He touched the wood affectionately before pushing it open.

A few things had been moved around, naturally, by whomever was teaching potions now. Snape wondered at that and turned to Harry with a questioning look.

"I think his name is Saul Cartwright. Cute, good with kids but a bit daft in my opinion."

"Cute?" Severus repeated, as if the word were from another language.

"Yeah. Well, scratch that because it's the brains that count and he hasn't got enough to fill a first year cauldron." Harry had his hands in his pockets and was scuffing the ground with his shoe, looking everywhere but Snape.

"You like him." he stated, wondering why that made him feel so awful. He made a note to examine that emotion later.

"No," _I like you, bloody git,_ "I don't. 'Sides, I have my eye on someone else." Harry caught Snape's gaze and it seemed to work.

Severus turned his attention back to his lab. He could see now that it had hardly been used, many flasks and jars were dusty along with his tools, stern across the table.

"What kind of an idiot doesn't clean up after himself?" Severus muttered and he began the process of cleaning.

About half an hour later, the potions master noticed the Healer sitting on a stool in a corner with a book in hand.

"Potter!" he barked and Harry's head snapped up to look at him.

"Yes, Severus?" he inquired when the Slytherin said nothing.

"Don't you have other patients to attend to?"

Potter had the audacity to chuckle and turn back to his book. "We've already discussed this, you are my only patient."

"Surely you have a job with which to earn your bread."

"Mm," Harry nodded, "I have my own offices and, before you ask, I'm sure my employees can handle things just fine without me."

"You place quite a bit of trust in them," Severus stated, trying to hide his surprise that not only was Potter expert enough in his field to have his own business, but responsible enough to take care of other employees.

"I do. It pays off, you know, trusting people." Harry hinted, looking up at Severus through the top of his glasses.

The potions master only grunted in response and fell back into his work.

About two hours later, Severus found himself a chair and sat down in it. Harry heard it and put his book down.

"Would like an early lunch?"

Snape shook his head, reluctant to admit he was just tired.

"How about some tea then?"

At the Slytherin's affirmative nod, Harry called a House Elf and ordered the tea. It appeared a few seconds later and the pair shared the tea in silence.

"What kind of research are you planning?"

Severus looked up from his mug, surprised at the question. He almost snapped back that Potter couldn't possibly understand the complexities of potions when he remembered that he was Healer.

"A cure for lycanthropy."

Harry's eyes went wide. "Really? Go on."

"I came upon the idea-" Severus suddenly stopped himself and stopped breathing for a moment, looking to the floor.

Harry rushed over, gently taking the mug from his hands and putting it on the table.

"Severus, breathe."

The potions master shook his head violently, his body beginning to shake.

"Listen to me, Severus! Breathe!"

Squeezing his eyes shut, the Slytherin abruptly took a huge gulp of air.

"That's it, now slowly. Breathe in, and out."

Once his breathing returned to normal, Harry retrieved his handkerchief. Gently, he wiped the sweat from the older man's brow.

"You're not supposed to hold your breath, Severus." the Healer chided softly, his hand still resting on Snape's knee. "It's not going to stop the memories and it certainly won't help them go away any faster."

Severus only nodded and sighed. "Is that tea still warm?"

Harry smiled and handed him the mug. "Of course."

Chapter Five. _"I feel so alone in this chaos, I'm so lost inside this crowd and you're the only one to lift me up in your safe arms." -'Another World' a poem by Christine M._

A month later and McGonagall had become Severus' friend again. Slowly but surely, Harry could see that the ex-professor was beginning to stand on his own. But that was only with one person. But at this stage, Harry thought that Severus could meet more than one person at a time.

"The Great Hall? Are you mad, Potter?" Severus hissed, throwing his ladle across the room.

"I think-"

"No, thinking seems to take a bit more effort than shouting wild ideas!"

"You're going to have to deal with it one of these days! You can't stay at Hogwarts forever with just McGonagall and I!"

"That day is not today!"

"You're going, whether you like it or not!"

"Oh? Going to drag me by my ears? I don't think so!"

"And just how else do you plan on giving Bill that potion of yours?"

"Fine! I'll even meet that joke of a potions professor!"

The self-satisfied smirk Harry answered him with only infuriated him even more.

"I dare you to say a word about this to Minerva," Severus said in a low, threatening voice.

"Wouldn't dream of it."

Severus turned his back, walking halfway across the room before he stopped and looked over his shoulder.

"Just... No handshakes."

"I'll be there."

It had been a long time since Severus had seen any of his colleges. Not that he was thrilled to see them, but the warm reception was surprising. For a moment, he had felt like he belonged somewhere again. Then that blasted handsome young man stepped up to meet him.

The idiot held out his hand and Snape glared him down. Harry was beside him, watching as always but Severus gave nothing away.

"Well, it's nice to finally meet the legend of potions."

"I hope you are referring to Mr. Potter, as I am hardly a legend of anything."

"Oh, don't be so modest. You're a brilliant potions master, everyone knows that."

"If everyone _knows_ then surely you must be aware of my intolerance for dim-witted imbeciles."

The young man only stared dumbly at him and Snape smirked evilly. He was about to drive his point home when Harry touched his elbow.

"Come now, Severus. You've had your fun." The Slytherin was sure he could hear the laughter in the Healer's voice and his smirk widened. He didn't know why he felt the need to impress the Golden Gryffindor, but he enjoyed it nonetheless.

He had apparently been so deep in his own thoughts he did not notice until too late that they were leaving.

"Potter, where are you taking me? I do not recall voicing the desire to leave!"

Harry look uncomfortable, glancing over his shoulder. Severus made the mistake of following his gaze. There stood Bill Weasley, laughing with Flitwick about something.

"I couldn't..." he trailed off and turned back to Harry. "I couldn't save him, but if I-"

"No," Harry snapped loudly, "you can't save everyone. And your potion is hardly perfect."

"You wouldn't know the first thing about potions, Potter!" Severus screamed with such a tone of desperation that it brought tears to Harry's eyes. "You could never brew so much as a shrinking potion!"

The Gryffindor was silent, knowing responding would do no good. He tried to think of a way to get Severus out of the room because people were beginning to stare. Harry gently pushed Snape towards the door but instead of going out the door, it set off another explosion.

"Do not tell me where I can go and where I cannot! I have a right to make my own decisions! I don't need YOU, Potter!" he was hyperventilating now, barely enough breath to continue.

"Please, Severus..." Harry pleaded, trying to take the other man's hand.

"Don't bloody touch me! I am not an invalid! There is nothing-" and the Slytherin fainted into Harry's arms.

The Healer bit his lip, but the tears came down anyway. He carried Severus through the door and back to his bed. It hurt to see Severus breakdown, even more when he had to take simple decisions away from him.

Harry had just laid him down when Snape woke, those black orbs flickering to life.

"Harry..."

"I'm here, Severus."

The potions master gripped Harry's shoulder and the Healer gently pulled the older man into a hug.

"I didn't mean-"

"Shush, it's nothing. You had every right to be angry."

"They always gave orders. My life was run by orders. They didn't... They never cared. All I could do was not kill... They never noticed, as if they expected that their toy was good for nothing more than to play with.

"I never wanted to any of them to die. Lily, James, Sirius, Lupin, George-"

"All not your fault."

"Regardless-"

"No," Harry took Severus' face in his hands, "listen to me. None of it was ever your fault. That's what they wanted you to believe so you'd stay. They knew that if you thought the deaths were really _their_ fault, you'd walk away and never look back."

Snape was already shaking his head. "I could have-"

"You could have done nothing. It's already happened and your survival is more than Lupin, Lily or James could ever have asked for."

"I didn't do anything! How could I deserve to live?"

"They died for you, Severus. So you could finally have peace and live your life as your own."

"No! It can't be true!" came the anguished cry in response. Severus lurched forward, sobbing shamelessly in Harry's arms.

"You know it is. It's okay, Severus. You're safe now."

"No, no no no no..."

"Stop fighting it, you're not alone anymore."

After Severus had calmed down and stopped heaving, Harry gently laid him on the bed.

"Not tired..." mumbled Snape, gripping the Healer's hand.

"Sleep, my dear Severus." Harry whispered in response and kissed his forehead.

The Gryffindor stayed with the ex-professor for a long time after, watching the man sleep. It was happening, slowly and it surprised Harry more than ever that Snape had unconsciously chosen Harry to talk to.

Chapter Six. _"My hands are broken, and time is going on and on it goes, forever. So I got high and lived all that life that I've taken all for granted. Promise me you'll try__, __to leave it all behind,__'cause I've elected hell,__lying to myself." -'You' by Breaking Benjamin_

"Just where do you think you are going?" Severus asked as Harry was about to leave his office.

"Back to the office, of course. I told you yesterday that I was going to work while you are here."

A fierce scowl darkened his features and a small pout shone through. Harry only chuckled and touched the Slytherin's arm.

"You'll be fine. If anything happens, a House Elf will call McGonagall."

Snape nodded and turned away, hiding his disappointment and berating himself for feeling it in the first place.

Emotions were becoming a hindrance, he wished yet again he could make it all go away. Then his eyes were caught by a jar full of brown powder sitting on the top shelf. It would be so easy... It would take hardly a half hour to brew, so why not? Harry would never know with his continued absence.

He watched himself take the jar down as if it were someone else. Severus had made this particular potion before, when the guilt had become too much. Elixir of Ekstasis required nothing more than a base made of an infusion of _papaver, _(footnote: papaver: latin for poppy, from the seed of which the drug _opium_ can be derived) beetle juice and lemon grass.

The concoction came to a slow boil and a grey smoke began to rise from it. Severus turned off the flame, a small smile playing on his lips as he fetched a ladle. The batch made about half a dozen, all of which save one, Severus hid in his bedside cupboard.

The potions master turned the phial between his fingers, gazing with pride at the clear golden liquid. There was nothing he couldn't do with this potion in hand. Perhaps he could even teach again and kick that blonde pansy out of Hogwarts.

Severus snorted aloud at the thought and drained the glass. The affects were immediate and the world faded away into a beautiful parody of itself.

Numbness stole through his body and the pain of his memories faded into a dark cloud that quickly evanescent into nothingness. Suddenly colours flooded the room in a rainbow of green, blues, reds and oranges. Light; far more bright than the colours, flared then quickly paled around the shape of a young girl. He had never seen her before.

"I like cheese!" Snape declared to her, as if the statement was a form of greeting.

"I can make doors where none had been before!" claimed the girl in a shrill voice of triumph.

Then all was gone and the room was dark again.

But something inside told him thinking about that dark place would be a really bad idea. So he decided he wanted to go for a walk. Yes, get some fresh air for once. Why did Potter keep him inside anyway? It was not as if he feared the rain! Without any hesitation he strolled through the dungeons, up the stairs, down the corridors and out the front door. If he passed someone, he didn't notice, he was so focused on his mission to nature.

The next thing he remembered was lying on the wet grass by the lake and staring up at the cloudy sky. That was fun. Now what?

A blue red bird fell by. Wait. Why was that so funny? Snape burst into a fit of giggles, convulsing from his spot on the ground. Then an upside-down red balloon swam through the sky beside him.

"Floating in the summer sky, ninety-nine red balloons go by..." the Slytherin began singing gayly from his place on the ground.

Harry Potter looked at his watch again and almost screamed. It was still an hour before he could go back to Hogwarts for lunch with Snape. Ever since he left, he had regretted it. After all, Harry had only spent the last three hours worrying about the potions master.

A hand on his arm brought him back to from his thoughts. The patient, an old man with bronchitis, looked at him with bright eyes.

"Whoever she is, she'll be fine."

Harry sighed and forced a smile. "Actually _he_ is another patient of mine and I'm afraid to have left him alone too early..."

"Don't blame yourself, good Harry."

"But what if he does something? What if-"

"Then someone will tell you and you can handle it when you get back. Whatever it is, it will not be the end of the world. At least, don't make it that way."

"Easy for you to say. You haven't tried to commit suicide before."

"Oh dear. This man of yours has had quite a history."

"Yup," Harry looked at his watch again, still half an hour to go.

"Go, good Harry. He needs you more than I do."

The Healer clearly brightened at the suggestion. "Are you sure you'll be okay for a bit then?"

"Of course," rasped the old man, waving Harry away.

With that, Harry Disapparated to the dungeons.

But Severus wasn't waiting for him like he usually was. He called for the House Elf and immediately marched outside to the castle grounds.

He was still lying in the grass, but he'd finally gotten himself to stop laughing. His control was back and Severus found that the thing he wanted most, was to teach. Which seemed odd, because he hated all his students for being such idiots. What so great about babysitting a bunch of dunderheads?

"What the hell are you doing out here, Severus?"

"That is _Professor_ _Snape_ to you, Potter!" Oh, yeah... The chance to insult them had always been a secret joy.

"I think I've earned the right to use your first name by now. Besides, you never mentioned this before." Especially since Harry knew that yesterday 'professor' had been a trigger word for at least two full minutes of silence and non-movement from Snape.

"No, don't imagine I have... Rather strange, isn't it?" He needed to work on this relationship thing. It was getting out of hand.

"Yeah... Severus, why don't we go back inside for awhile and-"

"But it's dreadfully boring in there! At least here I can suffer my own illusion of collecting potions ingredients."

"You're lying on the ground."

"What's your point, Potter?" Severus shouted and leapt to his feet in direct contradiction.

Watching Severus stride towards the school with a confidence he hadn't had since Voldemort died, Harry was very confused. What was going on? Surely something wasn't right... Harry had only left the potions master for less than a day and suddenly Snape was back to his old self? Well, he was infinitely more cheerful than his old self, but perhaps that was just it. Maybe his mind had given up on depression and turned completely in the other direction. It wasn't unheard of, but very unusual for the stage Severus had been at.

_A/N: Just thought I'd explain the timeline that's going on inside my head. In order for Snape to get the teaching job back, he'd have to wait until the next school year. And I had them come to the school towards the end of the year. So that means Severus has been on this drug for MONTHS. I should have written it in, I know. But I can't write this, as you can tell. Lack of emotion is a lot harder to write than I thought it was. Forgive me, but I've never attempted any kind of illegal drugs (don't plan on it) so I did the best I could with the help of a friend of mine who once had._

Everything was normal; sweet, blissfully normal. Not only had Snape successfully kicked that blonde idiot out of the school, he was back in his previous roll. Torturing students and teaching potions to the dolts.

There were times when he was too high to really see the world without rose-coloured glasses and a response would be required of him that he couldn't give. Potter got worried then. Why the moron still stuck around was beyond Snape. Perhaps he suspected, but if that were true, why hadn't he figured it out by now?

Other times, when the drug was close to being out of his system, Severus would be reminded of why he had taken it in the first place. Memories would flash and haunt him. He would stumble and fall, crawling towards his next fix with the desperation of a dying man.

"WEASLEY! Put that tail down this instant! Damn your entire generation!" He barked at the next batch of Weasley twins, putting thoughts of the drug out of his mind. It made things normal, there was no need to dwell on the cause.

Quite suddenly, which was unusual, Severus began to feel the potion wearing off. His body shook uncontrollably as he attempted to clear the students cauldron. The wand fell from his hand.

"Damn this life..." he had time to curse before he followed his wand to the floor.

The next thing Snape knew, was the brightly lit hospitable wing and how everything in his body _hurt._ Why? Then he remembered collapsing in the middle of class. Perhaps Potter hadn't arrived yet and wouldn't find out what he'd done... Severus made to stand, working through the pain just to get the potion that was so far away in the dungeons.

"Where do you think you're going?" Potter's voice came from behind him.

_Damn._ "Back to my chambers." he said tightly.

"I don't think so." Harry scolded, turning him around and gently leading him back to the bed. "If this goes on, I'm thinking of taking you back to Malfoy's house."

Fear rushed into the void and Severus clutched at Potter. "Please! Don't take me back there!"

Harry only glared at him and lifted him back onto the bed. "Lie down before you cause more damage."

The fear still shook Severus, the first real emotion he'd felt since he'd started on the potion. Confusion came into the spotlight at Harry's new demeanor and he felt the need to ask. But by the time he had figured out how to, Potter was already gone.

But he didn't want to be alone either. Why was Harry being so cold? What had he done? Why did he feel guilty? Severus shuddered as he realized the answer. Harry had trusted him to be on his own and Severus had broken that by taking the potion.

Loneliness and guilt seized him causing him to instinctively cry out. Oh, but it hurt so much more than the physical pain tearing through his body.

"Severus! STOP!" Harry was at his side, pulling his hand away from making more bloody scratches on his arm.

The potions master sniffed loudly, not so surprised to find his face wet with tears. He didn't look at Harry, turning his face away.

A cool hand touched his chin and made him look at Potter. The Healer gently wiped away the tears and small smile tugged at the edge of his lips.

"It's alright, Severus. I'm not leaving you. I'm sorry, I know this sudden rush of emotions is confusing, but you have to work through it, okay?"

The hurt was going away and Snape managed a small smile back. "I should be the one who is sorry."

"Yes, but I forgive you as long as you get better and never brew that potion again. Deal?"

"Deal."

"Good. Now get some rest, I'll be right here." The hand that gripped his was almost too tight, but that was okay.

Harry hadn't planned on forgiving Severus for betraying his trust. But the moment he was in Madame Pomfrey's office and the potions master had cried out for him... Harry couldn't resist rushing back and seeing Snape clawing his arm open was even worse. But forgiveness did nothing to change that Severus was officially back at square one.

Chapter Seven. _"You're an accident waiting to happen, you're a piece of glass, left there on the beach. Well, you tell me things I know you're not supposed to. And you leave me just out of reach." -'Who's Gonna Ride You're Wild Horses' by U2_

By the time Snape got out of the hospitable, two weeks had passed and was no longer allowed to teach without Harry's express approval. As a consequence, the absurd blonde moron was hired back. The man reminded Severus of Lockhart, only it was worse because he was teaching potions, something much more complex than Defense Against Dark Arts. Every time he heard of yet another student being carted off to the hospitable wing because of the idiots mistakes, Snape despaired even more.

"He should be hanged for murder! Mark my words, it won't be long before he succeeds in injuring a student to the point of death!" Severus exclaimed when Minerva informed him of Professor Cartwright's most recent venture.

A hand on his arm warned him to keep his voice down, so he continued in a low tone. "Really Minerva, what were you thinking?"

"That he may not be an expert, but he can teach the basics well enough." she paused, knowing what was coming next, "and no, I won't let you teach."

The Slytherin responded by grumbling at his plate and refusing to speak further. When the meal ended, Harry lead him away as usual. Talking about Saul Cartwright was a lot easier than letting the real anguish rise to the surface. The guilt of taking the potion he carried like a sack of flour over his shoulders and the Death Eaters... They had faded to a point where he could ignore it if he tried. The memories still came at night, but Harry was always there, holding him and telling him everything was okay.

He wondered sometimes what it was about Harry that made him feel safe and, Merlin forbid, loved. Desire didn't rear its ugly head, so Severus figured it must be alright to feel the way he did towards his ex-student. That too bothered him briefly, that Harry had once been his student and himself old enough to be the young man's father. But when Harry soothingly told him the ginger would be a better choice than the honey or comforted him after a breakdown, Snape couldn't help but respect him as a man.

"Would you like to go for a walk?" Harry asked.

Snape stared at the Healer, astounded. He didn't think that Harry would ever let him outside again after the red balloon episode.

"Don't look at me like that, Severus. I think you've earned the right by now."

"Be that as it may, if it rains-"

"I've enough magic to keep us both dry." Harry finished with an affectionate smile. "Come, we can go to the gardens."

They walked in silence, Harry keeping an eye on the sky. Severus found himself fascinated by the various plant life they passed. He realized he had been completely unaware of its beauty the few times he visited before. It was as if the red of the roses had grown more red, the blue of the orchids more blue and the pink of the lilies more pink. How could he have not seen it before? Severus tried to remember why when they passed a certain fountain. He froze, suddenly remembering well the last time he had ventured into these gardens.

_Flashback:_

_Karkaroff had found him by the fountain, where he had been entertaining himself by catching teenagers in most awkward positions. When his eyes lit upon the white coat of the Russian Headmaster, they hardened and glared icily._

_"What do you want, Karkaroff?" Severus hissed with disgust. Karkaroff was one of the few Death Eaters he had a minimal amount of power over. It was only Voldemort's inner circle that... He quickly cut off his thoughts and focused on what the man was saying._

_(following quoted from GOF)_

"_I don't see what there is to fuss about, Igor." _

"_Severus, you cannot pretend this isn't happening!" Karkaroffs voice sounded anxious and hushed, as though keen not to be overheard. "It's been getting clearer and clearer for months. I am becoming seriously concerned, I can't deny it " _

"_Then flee," said Snape curtly. "Flee—I will make your excuses. I, however, am remaining at Hogwarts." _

_Snape and Karkaroff came around the corner. Snape had his wand out and was blasting rosebushes apart, his expression most ill-natured. Squeals issued from many of the bushes, and dark shapes emerged from them. _

"_Ten points from Ravenclaw, Fawcett!" Snape snarled as a girl ran past him. "And ten points from Hufflepuff too, Stebbins!" as a boy went rushing after her. "And what are you two doing?" he added, catching sight of Harry and Ron on the path ahead._

_Karkaroff, Harry saw, looked slightly discomposed to see them standing there. His hand went nervously to his goatee, and he began winding it around his finger. _

"_We're walking," Ron told Snape shortly. "Not against the law, is it?" _

"_Keep walking, then!" Snape snarled, and he brushed past them, his long black cloak billowing out behind him. Karkaroff hurried away after Snape._

_(end quote)_

_"I cannot flee! How do you know he won't find me?"_

_"You are hardly a loss, Igor. The Dark Lord will not go searching for a toy he can replace."_

_"Fine. Perhaps I will, but until then I will stay." The Headmaster stomped away, disappearing around the next bend._

_Severus reached for something to hold onto, anything, and collided with a bush. He fell onto the stone path, gripping a twig in his hand. Sitting up, he stared at the offending thorns that pricked his hand. Blood was dripping, but he only clutched it tighter._

_His suspicion had been confirmed, the Dark Lord was indeed returning. The thin veneer of safety he had kept up for thirteen years had just been shattered. Oh, he had hoped that Voldemort would never gain a body! Now, it seemed it quite possible._

Flitwick had found him like that, one hand covered with dried blood and wide black eyes staring at nothing in horror.

"Severus?" He raised an eyebrow at Potter, acknowledging his presence. The Slytherin found they were both sitting on one of the stone benches surrounding the fountain. "Welcome back. Where did you go this time?"

Snape sighed heavily, moving his gaze to the top of his knees. "The last time I saw Karkaroff before he died. You were there, listening in to the conversation."

Harry chuckled. "I remember. Ron was about to piss his pants after you left."

A small satisfied smile curled the edge of Snape's lips.

After a long moment of silence and the amusement had faded, Severus spoke again.

"The Dark Lord suspected me because of that, thinking that I had helped Karkaroff."

"But wasn't he easily replaced? What would he care?"

"He... Wished to find evidence of my betrayal for a time. Afterwards he trusted me explicitly, of course."

"But then-"

"Let me start at the beginning, Potter. I most certainly did not start in the high ranks. When I entered into their doctrine, I foolishly consented to be their concubine as well. I didn't mind, until I said stop and they refused to.

"After Dumbledore finally accepted my services, I suppose you could say I fucked my way to the top. It was useful, but it seems it damaged my mentality more than it was worth."

"What did they do?" the question was unnecessary, they both knew what happened. But Severus seemed to understand the prompt.

"It had started with just sex, but progressively became more violent." Severus wasn't sure where this confession was coming from, how could he talk about something he couldn't even think about? Yet here he sat, telling Harry Potter every dirty detail.

"Yaxley was the first to attempt to persuade me immediately after a meeting. I refused, but he bound me before the others and raped me. It seemed to initiate some sort of sick bloodlust of which I could not escape.

"That event, I believe, was when I realized that even if I wanted to leave the Dark Lord's side, I could never escape them. They would always want me. My blood on their hands. I was stuck in a circle so violent... And the only reprieve I had was coming back here and knowing I was doing some small amount of good.

"At one point, I was in such despair that it came upon me that death was as good a way out as any. I accomplished the act in the farthest corner of my chambers, hoping that no one would find me in time. But McGonagall did, I had forgotten it was the day we usually had tea together... She seemed to understand, but not quite the depth of my reasoning. I was sure she would figure it out with all the rants I had had during my hospitable stay. Unfortunately, Minerva informed Dumbledore and as soon as I was allowed to leave, he summoned me to his office.

"He had the audacity to tell me that suicide was a selfish act and would hardly help my 'situation'. As if there was someone who would mourn me. I was sure he was ready to kill me when I told him I didn't want to be a spy anymore. He almost did, come to think of it, had he not controlled his temper. There was nothing I could do but keep going, keep bleeding and dying for a cause I wasn't sure I believed in anymore."

"What kept you going?"

"The memory of your mother and knowing that one day, you would kill the bastard."

Suddenly, a kind of exhaustion came upon on him from the telling of his life story. It was a relief to finally have said it all out loud, and to someone who understood. Severus sagged against the back of the bench, closing his eyes.

"Come, Severus. You can't sleep here."

Chapter Eight. "_You were the treasure in my hand, you were the one who always stood beside me, so unaware I foolishly believed that you'd always be there. -If I Had Only Known by Reba McEntire._

Life seemed to get just that tiny bit easier after telling Potter all that had happened. Severus no longer felt the need to escape his memories. He was finally able to think about them without being overcome with anguish. It was bliss, to finally be able to look at it logically, to _know_ he was over it!

A few months later, he was back to teaching. Which surprised Snape, he thought it would have taken Potter much longer to let him go. And then... Potter left and didn't come back. He felt as though the crutch he had been leaning on had been whisked out from under him.

Of course, Severus managed just fine without the Healer. Only when the night approached did he truly miss Harry. The daunting fact that there would be no one there when he woke up screaming was almost too much to bear.

Regardless, life moved on with the steady flow of normality and Severus felt himself sinking into the old, albeit unlikely, routine.

A hand on his startled him out of his reverie and he yanked his hand back, abhorred as he was to touch. McGonagall only raised an eyebrow at him and withdrew her hand.

"You could always visit him, you know. His clinic isn't far from Hogsmeade."

But Severus was still in denial! "Of whom do you speak, Minerva? I have no one I desire to 'visit'."

The Transfiguration Professor frowned and sighed. "Harry, of course. I'm sure he'd really appreciate you going out your way to see him."

"I would do no such thing! Exactly what reason do you imagine we would have of ever seeing each other again?"

Minerva seemed to think for a moment, then her face suddenly lit up with an idea. "Your potion! It's prescription, isn't it? You have to go there to replenish your supply!"

Snape leaned back, taking a mug of warm tea with him. "True, I am getting towards the last of what Mr. Potter gave me. Perhaps I will arrange an outing."

"Good Harry!" Franklin Rushet called from his bed in the Serious Injury ward.

Potter sighed and came to the man's side. "Yes, Mr. Rushet?"

"Billy just told me that strangest-"

The Gryffindor could barely refrain from lashing out. _"If_ you don't mind, Mr. Rushet. I am a very busy man and I would rather not discuss the rumor mill."

And he swept away, heading to the Bipolar Ward at the end of the building. Putting together his own clinic had been easy, making it exclusive was harder. Even with the high prices he demanded, Harry had had to expand and employ more assistants. The clinic was never over run, like St. Mungo's, but it still had its busy days.

"Mrs. Peterson," he greeted the middle-aged woman sitting up on her bed, reading a book.

"Afternoon, good Harry." she answered, turning a page.

"How are you feeling today?"

"Mellow," she looked up with sudden concern, "rather lack of emotion, actually."

Harry smiled. "That's good, it means we're doing it right. I know it's rather alarming to feel neither happy nor sad, but it's perfectly normal."

"Oh! Thanks, good Harry." she paused, putting a hand on his arm to stop him from rushing off to the next patient. "Once I'm better, I'll tell him to visit."

The Boy-Who-Lived chuckled and shook his head. "Thanks, Mrs. Peterson."

To be reminded that Severus Snape wasn't in his care anymore by almost every patient... Somewhere inside another small part of him died. Harry loved his former Professor more than the stars, but to go on like it was nothing was more painful than a thousand Cruciatus. Harry thought it was bad when he was taking care of the man, to show no hint whatsoever of his affections. Without the man's dark presence at all, the world had lost its black colour. But what more could he do? Harry was pretty sure that Snape's mentality couldn't handle a relationship, let alone the sexuality that went with it. There was no way Harry could just rush in and propose one, as much he wished to.

"Harry? A man from Hogwarts is here to see you." Sheila informed him, gesturing to the office area.

_Severus._ Indeed, there sat a dark figure in one of the waiting chairs. What was he doing here? Harry took a deep breath and strode towards the man.

"I wasn't expecting you back so soon." Oh, to be near him again was a kind of painful ecstasy!

Snape stood and glared darkly at him. "Minerva persuaded me not to make my own."

The Gryffindor had the gall to smirk. "A bit illegal without a note from a healer, huh?"

"Indeed, it would have been prudent of you-"

"Good Harry! I found my- Oh! Is this the prestigious Professor of Hogwarts?"

"Yes, Mr. Christiansen." Harry said, his voice heavy with annoyance. Did they all need his attention right then? He turned back to Severus. "Come, before they all get out of their beds."

Snape found himself being ushered up a short flight of stairs and into a large apartment. It was where Harry lived, but it was rather large. There was more than one spare room for the employees who couldn't go home between shifts.

As Harry prepared tea, Severus spoke. "I assume the man's 'good Harry' was a futile attempt to boost your ego. "

"I didn't tell them to! Nor is it satisfy my ego. All the patients started calling me that since Edward Millington died here."

"Ah, I see now why they rushed your schooling."

Harry slammed down the teapot and scowled at Severus. "It's not my fault they didn't teach me anything new."

The Professor only raised an eyebrow. "I suppose the war taught you more than you let on."

At that point, Healer Billy Lind stumbled through the door and crashed onto Harry's couch. He lay there, with his wand and a small bag still clutched in one hand. The other arm was thrown over his eyes in a vain attempt to block out all light and noise.

Severus raised an eyebrow at the show and looked to Harry. Whom shrugged and poured an extra cup of tea, swirling it twice. He kneeled next to Billy and gently touched his arm. The young man groaned, let go of the bag and tucked his wand away. Harry pressed the teacup into Lind's hand and the man seemed to come alive. Billy sat up and gripped the cup as if it were his lifeline.

"Thanks, Harry." he said quietly and took a slow sip. Billy closed his eyes in bliss and smiled. "Wish I could take this concoction home. I could actually enjoy watching my kids play Quidditch."

"I could always give you the recipe," offered Harry, but the man was already shaking his head.

"No way I could make it like you can. I'd end up with a purple nose for sure!"

Harry blushed at the praise. "Still, it wouldn't hurt."

"If you please, Potter. I do not recall you slipping a potion into that cup." interrupted Snape.

Harry rose and smiled at Severus, Billy giving him a surprised look. "Didn't you know, Professor? What Harry can spell into a migraine reliever, others have to brew? It makes for a combination suited perfectly to the patient."

"Indeed? Interesting." Harry smirked, because he could see the question coming. "Perhaps I could attempt this particular potion?"

Spot on. "Of course, I'm sure Billy would really appreciate it."

The young man in question grinned and drained the rest of the cup. "You'd make a downright good business if you could pull that off, Professor. I'm not the only one suffering!"

Lind took his leave then, heading to one of the spare rooms.

"Not a bad idea, you know. If Professor McGonagall can find a better replacement." Harry suggested, grabbing a piece of paper and quill to scribble down the recipe.

"Which is highly unlikely."

He shrugged and slid the paper across the table to Severus. The Slytherin picked it up and read it slowly while sipping the tea.

"I can see where anyone else would have trouble. Without the infusion of magic, this really is just tea."

"Which is possible, right?"

"Of course, though I cannot be sure a magic other than your own would work."

Upon his way back to Hogwarts, Severus Snape felt a strange sort of cheerfulness. Knowing he would see Potter more often had something to do with it, but also the thrill of a challenge the new potion presented. Though Severus admitted that Potter made him happy, he refused to really think what that meant. Yet...

Stopping just inside the Entrance Hall with a finger to his lips, Severus let himself consider it. He was sure that he wanted more from Potter than the Healer-patient relationship they had. Did that mean a more meaningful bond was in order? Snape looked to the floor, turning away from his own thoughts in disgust. Could he really feel attraction after all that had happened? Perhaps he could propose the start of intimate relationship to Potter and add that he wished to take it slow. Though he was sure the Gryffindor would understand, he feared rejection if he paid his fears too much exigency.

_Slowly,_ he resolved,_ slowly._

Chapter Nine. _"This should be no surprise, but I love you."_

Harry stared down at his tea still feeling a little shocked. He was working with Snape on another potion. What was going on in the world? Not that he didn't enjoy the other man's company, it was the matter of watching Severus. Which Harry had done plenty of before, but this time Snape kept meeting his gaze. It unsettled Harry to be caught in this manner and he wasn't sure why the potions master wasn't running in the opposite direction.

Hands brushed his and Harry suddenly found himself pressed into kitchen counter. Thin lips were precariously close to his and the erection pressing into his thigh was gaining a painful response.

"Severus..." Harry whispered. "Do you know what you are doing?"

The potions master breathed into him and pressed his lips to Harry's in answer. It was everything Harry had ever wanted. Sweet and so full of the love he desperately wanted to believe Snape felt for him.

"I mean, why are you here? Because it sure as hell isn't because you want to spend more time with me."

"How can you be sure that isn't true?"

He was moving closer and Harry wasn't sure what he thought about it. His cock didn't seem to mind the feral look in those dark eyes though.

They were kissing again and it was like diving into heaven. Hands wandered and peeled off clothes in no time.

Before they collapsed onto the bed, Harry thought to ask one more time, "Are you sure-"

"YES! damn you!" Severus roared, pulling the Gryffindor down on top of him. Potter snuggled into him, sucking and licking at his throat. Snape closed his eyes and relished into the freely given affection. It was so much more and better than anything he had experienced before.

The care Harry took with preparing him was heartbreaking. Snape arched into his new lover, falling to pieces under the intense pleasure.

Then suddenly it all stopped.

"Are you sure about this?" Harry asked, hovering over his lover and so close to coming from the sight of Snape spread out before him.

"If you ask me that one more time-" Harry cut him off by slowly plunging in. Severus gave a loud cry, arching and pushing up to meet Harry.

"Oh fuck," Harry groaned began to thrust in earnest, aiming for Snape's prostate with each one. Severus was wreathing under him, the most divine sounds coming from his throat.

It didn't take long for either of them, the height of passion and ecstasy running away with them. Snape came into Harry's hand and the Gryffindor followed soon after with a cry of his name.

THE END.


End file.
